When people think of narcissism, they often imagine someone openly selfish, arrogant, or grandiose. However, there’s another, more subtle type of narcissism—covert narcissism. Covert narcissists don’t display their self-centered traits as blatantly as typical narcissists. Instead, their behavior is more hidden, passive, and difficult to detect, especially for those close to them. For people involved with a covert narcissist, the experience can be confusing and emotionally draining. Covert narcissists can make you feel guilty, insecure, and constantly doubt yourself, even though their behavior may not be overtly aggressive or hostile. This article explores what it means to be a covert narcissist, how to recognize their traits, and what to do if you suspect you’re in a relationship with one.

What is Covert Narcissism?

Covert narcissism is a form of narcissism where a person hides their grandiose feelings and narcissistic traits. While typical narcissists openly seek admiration, attention, and validation, covert narcissists operate more subtly and often under the radar. The main difference between overt and covert narcissism is how the person presents themselves to the world. Covert narcissists may appear modest, shy, or even insecure, but underneath, they still harbor a deep sense of entitlement and grandiosity. This makes them particularly challenging to identify in relationships, as their manipulation is more subtle. Covert narcissists don't crave admiration in the same obvious ways as overt narcissists. Instead, they may play the victim or constantly complain about their struggles to attract sympathy and attention. This allows them to maintain control and power in relationships without revealing their narcissistic tendencies outright.

Traits of a Covert Narcissist

While covert narcissists may not express themselves as openly as classic narcissists, there are certain behaviors and traits that can help you identify them. Here are some of the key characteristics of covert narcissism:

• Chronic victimhood: Covert narcissists often play the victim to gain attention and sympathy from others. This allows them to manipulate those around them without coming across as self-centered.
• Passive-aggression: Instead of expressing anger or frustration directly, covert narcissists use passive-aggressive tactics like the silent treatment, subtle criticism, or indirect manipulation to get their way.
• Lack of empathy: Covert narcissists may seem empathetic at times, but they lack genuine compassion for others. Their actions are often self-serving, even if they appear to be helping.
• Hypersensitivity to criticism: Although they may seem humble or insecure, covert narcissists are incredibly sensitive to criticism. This vulnerability often stems from their underlying narcissistic need for validation.
• Constant need for validation: Covert narcissists crave validation but seek it in less direct ways than overt narcissists. For example, they might frequently complain or belittle themselves, hoping that others will offer praise or reassurance.

How It Affects Relationships

Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can be extremely challenging and emotionally exhausting. Covert narcissists often create feelings of insecurity and doubt in their partners. Their passive-aggressive behavior and constant playing of the victim role can make the other person feel responsible for the narcissist’s problems, leading to guilt and emotional strain. In relationships, covert narcissists often create a toxic dynamic where one person constantly gives and caters to the narcissist’s emotional needs, while the narcissist gives little in return. This can lead to emotional burnout and isolation, as the person in the relationship may feel misunderstood and unheard.

How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist

If you believe you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it’s essential to establish clear boundaries. Covert narcissists often manipulate through guilt and emotional dependency, so it’s crucial to remain firm and protect your emotional well-being. Here are some tips for dealing with a covert narcissist:

• Set boundaries: Clearly define what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Don’t be afraid to protect your emotional space.
• Recognize manipulation: Learn to identify passive-aggressive tactics or victim-playing behaviors. Don’t respond in ways that fuel the narcissist’s need for attention or validation.
• Seek support: Consider speaking with a therapist who can help you understand the dynamics of the relationship and how to manage it.
• Take care of your mental health: Relationships with covert narcissists can be emotionally draining. Make sure to prioritize your well-being by maintaining a support system and practicing self-care.

Where to Seek Help

If you find yourself in a relationship with a covert narcissist, seeking professional help can be critical. Therapy can help you understand the dynamics of the relationship and protect your emotional health. Here are some trusted resources for more information:

• MentalHealth.org (mentalhealth.org )
• Psychology Today (Psychology today)
• Out of the fog (Out of the fog)